Moral Midgetry

Remember that feeling you had on September 11, 2001. Well, there were a lot of feelings, but by the end of the day you had that feeling. The feeling that nothing would ever be the same again.

It’s now five years later and everything is the same again. Sure, gas costs a little more and we’re in a couple of wars. But as far as people, how we act towards each other, that’s still the same.

But I can fix it. So, without further ado, I present three simple steps for peace on Earth (with ideas liberally cribbed from John Lennon and Emmerich & Devlin).

1. Remove all borders. What do the following have in common? The Hatfield’s and McCoy’s. The recent Gaza Strip conflicts. Any war ever. The answer is they all started over land disputes. I realize there are political and ideological reasons that fuel any conflict, but politics is inexorably tied to lines on a map. People love to draw imaginary borders and then kill the people on the other side. So no more borders, and as for the ideology…

2. Get rid of all religion. Nothing aggravates a seriously religious person more than hearing about someone else’s religion. In fact, nothing is more aggravating than a fanatic. Sometimes you can’t get them off your doorstep, sometimes they convince you to become the weapons hording sister-wife of Jim Jones, and sometimes they fly planes into buildings. And there can be no attempts at creating a neutral religion like worshiping a rock or something, because people will fight over sandstone vs. granite. So, sorry, religion’s got to go. Finally…

3. Welcome an alien invasion. I mean real freaky ones, no cute E.T. types. In fact they can’t have any characteristics typically associated with humans. Can’t be bipedal, with one head, two eyes, ears, etc. I want aliens that walk using their adapted backs muscles and defecate through their multiple eyestalks. Once we get something really whacked-out we can all channel our hate reserves towards it will just seem silly to dislike someone because their skin is a different color or they like to kiss boys instead of girls. When we can agree to hate the asexually reproducing insectivods from the minor planet Pluto, then we can all get along.

See? Simple.