Tuesday, May 29, 2007
The Parasite
My entries have been a little sporadic lately because my wife has been sick. It seems she picked up a parasite.
No, she hasn’t been swimming the Amazon River. She acquired the little thing somewhere in the United States. Apparently, it’s a fairly common issue. The doctor said there are over six million cases reported yearly in the US alone.
Weird, right? That’s not the half of it. Turns out this parasite is not from an external source. It was created by her body and even shares her DNA… and mine (I won’t even tell you how the doctor said that happened).
The parasite has now formed a symbiotic relationship with my wife where she shoves food in her mouth and the parasite takes… all of it, I guess. This parasite is slow evolving and will eventually develop a gender, something about sugar and spice or snakes and puppy dog tails. It’s a lot of medical mumbo-jumbo.
Apparently the parasite will remain in my wife for approximately nine months at which point it will leave my wife’s body (again, you won’t believe how the doctor says this will happen) and form a parasitic relationship with me, too… for the next 18 to 45 years of my life.
No, she hasn’t been swimming the Amazon River. She acquired the little thing somewhere in the United States. Apparently, it’s a fairly common issue. The doctor said there are over six million cases reported yearly in the US alone.
Weird, right? That’s not the half of it. Turns out this parasite is not from an external source. It was created by her body and even shares her DNA… and mine (I won’t even tell you how the doctor said that happened).
The parasite has now formed a symbiotic relationship with my wife where she shoves food in her mouth and the parasite takes… all of it, I guess. This parasite is slow evolving and will eventually develop a gender, something about sugar and spice or snakes and puppy dog tails. It’s a lot of medical mumbo-jumbo.
Apparently the parasite will remain in my wife for approximately nine months at which point it will leave my wife’s body (again, you won’t believe how the doctor says this will happen) and form a parasitic relationship with me, too… for the next 18 to 45 years of my life.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
"Job's getting life lessons all over the place."
The other day I got into an argument with a friend because of the British version of The Office. My friend, a fan of the American version who decided to check out the orginial, was shocked by the lax standards of British TV, specifically a joke whose punch line referred to… oh, let’s say a man trying to make a baby on another man’s face. “We’re very prudish in America,” was all I had to say on the subject. Wish I’d used the word “puritanical” (although just semantics, might have been easier to defend) because, three hours later I found myself stuck in the unenviable position of having to defend the need for more gay facial jokes on American TV. Ludicrous for a number of reasons, namely that I truly had no strong opinion on that issue – had never even thought about it before finding myself vehemently defending it… and it’s actually a fairly tough point to win.
So, that’s one stupid thing I’ve said recently, let’s look into some others.
First: violence on TV is out of control. I’m not talking about the shows (although, a couple of weeks ago, The Shield had the main character beat a guy with a chain – to the point that he was just a bloody lump hanging from a rope. And, while the character wasn’t “innocent,” he wasn’t guilty of the reason he was getting the beating. The whole scene was so disturbing I couldn’t watch it. So, either TV is getting too violent or I’m becoming a big pussy) – I still think as a parent you can keep your kids away from adult content shows at least until they are ten, after that you’ve lost them anyway so it doesn’t matter. No, the violence I’m talking about is something that was brought up by sharpstick in the comments to that entry: Violence in commercials. Specifically these new (actually revamped 1970s) torture porn movies, because these commercials pop up when you least expect it. I was watching the Daily Show and the first commercial out of the gate was for Vacancy, a film about a couple who find a mysterious video tape in their hotel room that shows a murder happening in the same room. And the whole commercial (not true, but it feels like it) focuses on the rape/murder on the tape with some poor woman screaming her head off while being chased by two masked lunatics. And this was at 9 in the morning. Not fun. I know I wasn’t watching the Bungles, or Mungles, or whatever, but still. This commercial is horrifying (also the Bud Light commercial where two men play rock, paper, scissors over the last beer – so one guy chucks a rock at the other guy’s head… seems inappropriate).
Second: I’ve had my own Janice the plant-lady experience, i.e. a minor character that I grew too attached to and was extremely affected by their death (this next paragraph contains spoilers about a film still in theaters so skip it if you care). The Lookout, a caper about a bank heist, has a police officer as minor character. This character is established as an expecting father and generally nice guy and, through the actions and missteps of the main character, he gets his head blown apart. I had genially grown to like this character… this secondary, nobody, canon fodder character. Sure I was minulipate into it by the screenplay, but then this character dies as a direct result of the main character’s screw-ups, and the main character doesn’t pay any consequences. As a result I liked the main character less. A lot less. So, apparently I can grow attached to minor characters that aren’t my own (although in my defence, I believe the killer of Janice does pay a price in my book).
Third: Grindhouse is the most dangerous film to hit American theatres in years. I still don’t think I was wrong about Grindhouse, but I think I was wrong in my approach to Grindhouse… as were most of its audience members… and the filmmakers themselves. I believe people went into this film with two different expectations: people expectating to see some cheesy films and people wanting to see the next Quentin Tarentino film. So, in the end, I don’t think anyone can be completely satisfied with the experience, at the very least you can’t walk out of the film and not think one was better than the other. See, the entire experience is flawed. Rodriguez made a cheesy, funny, self-referential film for the aughts while Tarentino made a quote good unquote film that would fit in the 70s. The results are an uneven experience and a mismatched double feature. I blame the filmmakers for not getting on the same page. I’ve seen countless reviews that said the Tarentino film was the better film. I even saw one that said it was his best dialogue in years. I still can’t fathom this… but that’s my point: the audience for this film is divided. And who is the audience for this film? Who are the people who like cheesy zombie films or Tarentino movies. They are the same people! People who know the Rodriguez and Tarentino oeuvre and would see whatever they do (Shark Boy & Lava Girl notwithstanding), i.e. college kids and geeky fanboys. And we are being pulled apart by this stupid, dangerous film.
Fourth: Turns out, unfortunately, I was 100% correct about Kurt Vonnegut’s death.
So, that’s one stupid thing I’ve said recently, let’s look into some others.
First: violence on TV is out of control. I’m not talking about the shows (although, a couple of weeks ago, The Shield had the main character beat a guy with a chain – to the point that he was just a bloody lump hanging from a rope. And, while the character wasn’t “innocent,” he wasn’t guilty of the reason he was getting the beating. The whole scene was so disturbing I couldn’t watch it. So, either TV is getting too violent or I’m becoming a big pussy) – I still think as a parent you can keep your kids away from adult content shows at least until they are ten, after that you’ve lost them anyway so it doesn’t matter. No, the violence I’m talking about is something that was brought up by sharpstick in the comments to that entry: Violence in commercials. Specifically these new (actually revamped 1970s) torture porn movies, because these commercials pop up when you least expect it. I was watching the Daily Show and the first commercial out of the gate was for Vacancy, a film about a couple who find a mysterious video tape in their hotel room that shows a murder happening in the same room. And the whole commercial (not true, but it feels like it) focuses on the rape/murder on the tape with some poor woman screaming her head off while being chased by two masked lunatics. And this was at 9 in the morning. Not fun. I know I wasn’t watching the Bungles, or Mungles, or whatever, but still. This commercial is horrifying (also the Bud Light commercial where two men play rock, paper, scissors over the last beer – so one guy chucks a rock at the other guy’s head… seems inappropriate).
Second: I’ve had my own Janice the plant-lady experience, i.e. a minor character that I grew too attached to and was extremely affected by their death (this next paragraph contains spoilers about a film still in theaters so skip it if you care). The Lookout, a caper about a bank heist, has a police officer as minor character. This character is established as an expecting father and generally nice guy and, through the actions and missteps of the main character, he gets his head blown apart. I had genially grown to like this character… this secondary, nobody, canon fodder character. Sure I was minulipate into it by the screenplay, but then this character dies as a direct result of the main character’s screw-ups, and the main character doesn’t pay any consequences. As a result I liked the main character less. A lot less. So, apparently I can grow attached to minor characters that aren’t my own (although in my defence, I believe the killer of Janice does pay a price in my book).
Third: Grindhouse is the most dangerous film to hit American theatres in years. I still don’t think I was wrong about Grindhouse, but I think I was wrong in my approach to Grindhouse… as were most of its audience members… and the filmmakers themselves. I believe people went into this film with two different expectations: people expectating to see some cheesy films and people wanting to see the next Quentin Tarentino film. So, in the end, I don’t think anyone can be completely satisfied with the experience, at the very least you can’t walk out of the film and not think one was better than the other. See, the entire experience is flawed. Rodriguez made a cheesy, funny, self-referential film for the aughts while Tarentino made a quote good unquote film that would fit in the 70s. The results are an uneven experience and a mismatched double feature. I blame the filmmakers for not getting on the same page. I’ve seen countless reviews that said the Tarentino film was the better film. I even saw one that said it was his best dialogue in years. I still can’t fathom this… but that’s my point: the audience for this film is divided. And who is the audience for this film? Who are the people who like cheesy zombie films or Tarentino movies. They are the same people! People who know the Rodriguez and Tarentino oeuvre and would see whatever they do (Shark Boy & Lava Girl notwithstanding), i.e. college kids and geeky fanboys. And we are being pulled apart by this stupid, dangerous film.
Fourth: Turns out, unfortunately, I was 100% correct about Kurt Vonnegut’s death.
